Call It What You Will

Today is February 14, 2010. Valentine's Day.

Of course, I've seen the name range from anti-Valentine's Day to Single Awareness Day throughout the passing of the hours by various friends. I just tried not to think about it. No flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, or dates here. Just sitting alone on my couch, watching Julie & Julia, again, and planning on watching either Twilight or Where the Heart Is, again, later on.

I have to say, sometimes being alone is therapeudic, but mostly it's just scary. For me, anyway. I haven't lived alone ever. I haven't been single in 13 or 14 years. Add to that the diminished physical capabilities I have since my accident and my paranoid fear of someone breaking in to my house, and it makes for quite the emotional wreck.

Take, for instance, my cooking earlier. By the time I made breakfast, then lunch, then cleaned the kitchen and threw a load of wash in the machine, I was tired, not to mention my feet hurt. They felt like they were breaking. So I laid down and slept for quite a while. This, after having slept for about 11 hours since last night, that made about 14 hours of sleep in less than 24 hours. And still, I feel like if I laid down for maybe 30 minutes, I just might doze off again.

Or my dog, Mimzy, running to the front door and barking at God-knows-what. Literally. I mean, it is drizzling outside, and the wind is shaking the trailer, but she hasn't been barking at that, so why did she just a few minutes ago go crazy like someone was walking through the door? This is a big house...3 bedrooms, 2 bath, 2 living areas... Just thinking about walking through it all and checking every room and closet, plus the laundry room, is making me tired already.

I had a bout of crying earlier. It came out of nowhere. I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me Happy Valentine's Day, even without chocolates, flowers, or teddy bears, and maybe just watch a movie or Food Network with me. Instead, Mimzy was jumping on the couch, trying to eat the tuna casserole my mother brought by earlier. I detest pushing the dog away, but I don't get tuna casserole that often, plus when she eats human food, she gets diarrhea, which she chooses to let loose on my carpet rather than my yard.

So, call it what you will, today, for the first time in a long time, was just another day for me, with the exception of about an hour when I wished it wasn't...just another day, that is.