Explanation (JMB)

"Why do you wake up crying?"

"Why?"

"Yes, why?"

"Hmmm." :: thinking ::

"Because I wake up remembering everything I go to sleep to forget. Because it takes a moment for consciousness to catch up with existence and realize that everything that is breaking my heart has already broken it, and there's no reason to cry, because I've spent decades crying over it all."

:: silence ::




Why I Love Him

When I was a child, I saw my parents argue. Every. Single. Day. I swore I would never end up like them.

My first relationship was with a man who left me because I refused to have a threesome between him and my best friend, then also declined a threesome between him and his best friend. The next guy "took his birthday present" while I was passed out at the birthday party (21st) that I threw him, spend over a thousand dollars on. The subsequent years, I was physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally abused so much that by the time that I had my miscarriage, The man I married promised me 3 things. 1. That we would never end up like my parents. 2. That we would always love each other like the first day. and 3. That I would never need protection from him. He broke all three promises. I was beyond repair.

Or so I thought.

John had already been in my life. I had put out a request for guys to contact me about a poll I was holding for my blog Girlfriend Etiquette. John was one of a number of guys who contacted me willing to answer my questions (anonymously).

After I added him to my MySpace in order to get the answers, he started contacting me almost daily every time I logged online and asking me how I was doing. I would do the polite thing and say "I'm fine, how are you?" Then I would (as) discreetly (as possible) log off.

Well, about a week or more after the miscarriage, when I finally lifted myself off the ground (couch) and tried to get myself back to life, I logged online, and guess who was waiting to ask me how I was doing?

I literally told this guy off, asking him if he really didn't realize that I had been blowing him off. He said yes, but he was there if I ever needed a friend.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we developed a stronger friendship, which eventually turned to months and a beautiful relationship.

He was one of the only people there for me during the darkest days of my life. In fact, with the exception of Ted, no one else called me, contacted me in any way, or came to visit me. I am eternally grateful to Ted for caring enough to call.

John was there every single day, ready and willing to talk to me. Every. Single. Day.

We have an enormous amount in common, and I know my closest friends are worried about me, thinking that I may have rushed in to this too quickly. But, I've spent four months by myself. That sounds trivial to some of you. But those four months were the first months that I have ever, ever spent alone. I have NEVER been on my own. I have always lived with my parents or a boyfriend/husband. I have never been alone. It's given me a lot of room to grow, to learn, to cope, to grieve, to understand, and most importantly, to forgive.



I know there are some of you who still think I should have given myself more time. But this man is everything I have ever dreamed of, and more. He's been my light in my darkest days. He's stood by my side during the most brutal months of my life.

I still wake up crying, expecting my parents to be screaming and arguing and being violent towards one another. I wake up thinking I am going to be in trouble for something and be thrown against the wall or down the stairs or trapped in some place or another. I wake up afraid that I am going to be worthless. That I am in the hospital, still, bones broken everywhere, lungs collapsed and punctured, burns, glass, fractures... Afraid that my missing clothes are the result of someone's self-proclaimed "birthday present," that I am in trouble afor something and will be thrown against the wall or down the stairs. That I am completely and utterly alone and that no one thinks I am worth the trouble.

But when reality sets in, John is on my mind, and I realize that I am worth more than they or anyone or even myself ever gave me credit for. John probably gives me more credit than I deserve, but I adore him, and I can't believe that he gave me the time of day, even though he says the same thing about me.


He's amazing. We have almost the EXACT same taste in music. The only real difference is that I listen to rap, and he doesn't. But everything else is parallel. He listens to old country, rock, rock'n'roll, and even Leonard Cohen. He is very competitive, so I anticipate many nights playing board games with him and Nicky. He is going to take us camping and fishing. He doesn't write poetry or stories, do art, he's not a musician, and he's not emo. He watches sports, a first for me. Ever. He knows how to work on cars, and he used to buy houses and fix them for a living, so he knows how to fix everything. He doesn't work on computers (a HUGE plus), in fact, he barely knows anything about computers. He is very family oriented, even though he has never been married or had any children. He loves playing cards. And most of all, he makes me feel that regardless of what I've been through or the fact that I am scarred like the bride of Frankenstein, I am beautiful, inside and out.

I love him.

♥John Micheal Burchett♥

Drunk on Coffee

Think I am exaggerating? Have you ever been to IHOP on a Friday with good friends, a great waitress, and unlimited coffee? Drunk on coffee? Oh yeah.

Tonight was an epic WIN. Yes. Ted & I get there first, then came Mike, then Xavier, then Sable, and finally Bryan. Bryan made a courtesy appearance. Turns out that he and Sable know each other from a previous job.

It's a small world, after all! It's a small world after all!

Yes, we sang Kumbaya.o__O NOT.

So we swapped stories. Of course, Ted had to tell of our drinking adventures. Mwah ha ha. :: blush ::

Everyone got along really well, which is, in and of itself, an epic win, because I am sure everyone knows what happens when you get random people together and it just doesn't click. That's always an epic fail.

So, our waitress was Mike's replacement (if you don't know who Mike is, he is the waiter who served Steffi & I on numerous occasions, and who I am pretty sure we traumatized. Anywho, someone thought it was a good idea to give him a gun & handcuffs & make him a security guard. Way to go), and she was awesome. Didn't get her name, but she was also a win.

Unfortunately, I think some of her customers were being dickheads and she came out of the bathroom crying. I gave her a free hug. :) I also think she made a full paycheck from our tips. Hahahabanana. Yes.


So, John calls me around 12:45am my time, and at that time, we were all pretty sloshy on food and coffee, and I figured we'd be leaving soon. Nope. We got a coffee refill and started talking Food Network.

There was a lot of Bobby Flay and Martha Stewart bashing, and lots of love for Alton Brown. Iron Chef (the original and Iron Chef America) were talked to death, but still, it's like a phoenix, reviving from ashes. You can never have enough Food Network conversation.

We didn't leave until almost 2am. So. That is why, even though I have to be at work at 1pm tomorrow for a ten hour shift, I am here, blogging at 3am. Actually, closer to 3:30.

Thank you, everyone, for a wonderful night.

I love you, John Burchett, and I cannot wait for you to meet my friends. We are dOrks, but we are awesome. (What's that song...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYws8biwOYc

Crazy

So, me & a couple friends hit up Buffalo Wild Wings on 1604 & 281 after work tonight. My first drink had a fly in it (which was pointed out to me only after I drank it), and the waitress offered a free drink.

This drink was followed by a shot of rum and then a Wild Punch which had like five different liquors in it. Nice. I passed my drink around for my friends to taste, and when it got to Chris, well, I am not sure what happened. Either I let go before he had it or something. He said the glass was slippery. That drink spilled all over me.

So the waitress comes over and Chris is offering to buy me another drink and she goes back to get it and then comes back and says that the manager told her to come talk to us and for appearances she had to tell us that generally they don't replace spilled drinks.

Hello? No one asked for a free drink because of the spilled drink. We knew that was our fault.

Let me tell you, Chris is a little firecracker. I thought he was going to set that place on fire. So, after 3 drinks (and a sip), we left, smoked a cigarette in the parking lot, and went our separate ways.

Now I remember why I stopped going drinking out. Oh wait, that sentence was supposed to come later.



I'm on my way home, and I see flashing lights behind me. I am 100% positive there was not enough alcohol in my system to inhibit my drinking (obviously, since it's not enough to inhibit my spelling), but for one horrifying moment, I pictured myself being arrested and losing everything.

But the cop tore past me and screeched to a halt next to a truck that was stopped at the light. Then she pulls in front of the truck (which is already back saddled by another cop), gets out of her car, and they proceed to start banging on the windows of the truck. She then pulls out her stick (what is that thing called? billy stick?) and bashed the window in.

I so wish I knew the story behind that.

Oh. Now is the sentence.

Now I remember why I stopped going out to drink. Yes. Don't get me wrong, my friends are awesome, but all I feel right now is that I wasted $20 and pretty stupid for doing what I said I would never do again: drive after drinking. Add that to the fact that I live 42 miles away, and that equals a pretty stupid Jessi.

But I've been living by myself for going on 4 months now, and this is the first time in my life that I have lived by myself, so I suppose I am entitled to one stupid mistake, and thank you, God, it didn't cost me.

I am sitting here, writing this blog, wishing I had just come home and talked to John on the phone because now he's sleeping and I miss him like hell and I just can't wait until he comes home because then I'll never be lonely again.

I've learned a lot in the last year and half of my life. A lot about life. A lot about myself. I wouldn't trade anything with the exception that my son was hurt in the accident, I wish it had all been me and he had walked away unscathed. Hell. I would have broken all the bones I did three times over if it had meant he didn't have to go through what he did. But I can't change that.

I think that after the miscarriage, it was good that I was alone, because I have had time to grieve. I have had time to get to know myself and understand who I am without a man defining me. But it is going to be great to come home and crawl into John's arms and know that these tragic, sorrowful, broken days are behind me.



On a weird note, my eye is still twitching. I don't know where the twitch came from, but it's driving me mad. I can feel it on the bottom part of my eye where the lashes are. Twitching twitching twitching.

I am listening to POE's Haunted, pondering the meaning of my life, looking forward to Friday, May 14, 2010, like it's the beginning of my life.

I am literally shaking with breathless anticipation. No matter what I've done in my past, no matter what has been done to me, I drop all my regrets and bitter remorse and forgive all and hope all has been forgiven and pray I can be everything to the man who saw me through the darkest days of my life.



♥John Burchett♥