Explanation (JMB)

"Why do you wake up crying?"

"Why?"

"Yes, why?"

"Hmmm." :: thinking ::

"Because I wake up remembering everything I go to sleep to forget. Because it takes a moment for consciousness to catch up with existence and realize that everything that is breaking my heart has already broken it, and there's no reason to cry, because I've spent decades crying over it all."

:: silence ::




Why I Love Him

When I was a child, I saw my parents argue. Every. Single. Day. I swore I would never end up like them.

My first relationship was with a man who left me because I refused to have a threesome between him and my best friend, then also declined a threesome between him and his best friend. The next guy "took his birthday present" while I was passed out at the birthday party (21st) that I threw him, spend over a thousand dollars on. The subsequent years, I was physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally abused so much that by the time that I had my miscarriage, The man I married promised me 3 things. 1. That we would never end up like my parents. 2. That we would always love each other like the first day. and 3. That I would never need protection from him. He broke all three promises. I was beyond repair.

Or so I thought.

John had already been in my life. I had put out a request for guys to contact me about a poll I was holding for my blog Girlfriend Etiquette. John was one of a number of guys who contacted me willing to answer my questions (anonymously).

After I added him to my MySpace in order to get the answers, he started contacting me almost daily every time I logged online and asking me how I was doing. I would do the polite thing and say "I'm fine, how are you?" Then I would (as) discreetly (as possible) log off.

Well, about a week or more after the miscarriage, when I finally lifted myself off the ground (couch) and tried to get myself back to life, I logged online, and guess who was waiting to ask me how I was doing?

I literally told this guy off, asking him if he really didn't realize that I had been blowing him off. He said yes, but he was there if I ever needed a friend.

Over the course of the next few weeks, we developed a stronger friendship, which eventually turned to months and a beautiful relationship.

He was one of the only people there for me during the darkest days of my life. In fact, with the exception of Ted, no one else called me, contacted me in any way, or came to visit me. I am eternally grateful to Ted for caring enough to call.

John was there every single day, ready and willing to talk to me. Every. Single. Day.

We have an enormous amount in common, and I know my closest friends are worried about me, thinking that I may have rushed in to this too quickly. But, I've spent four months by myself. That sounds trivial to some of you. But those four months were the first months that I have ever, ever spent alone. I have NEVER been on my own. I have always lived with my parents or a boyfriend/husband. I have never been alone. It's given me a lot of room to grow, to learn, to cope, to grieve, to understand, and most importantly, to forgive.



I know there are some of you who still think I should have given myself more time. But this man is everything I have ever dreamed of, and more. He's been my light in my darkest days. He's stood by my side during the most brutal months of my life.

I still wake up crying, expecting my parents to be screaming and arguing and being violent towards one another. I wake up thinking I am going to be in trouble for something and be thrown against the wall or down the stairs or trapped in some place or another. I wake up afraid that I am going to be worthless. That I am in the hospital, still, bones broken everywhere, lungs collapsed and punctured, burns, glass, fractures... Afraid that my missing clothes are the result of someone's self-proclaimed "birthday present," that I am in trouble afor something and will be thrown against the wall or down the stairs. That I am completely and utterly alone and that no one thinks I am worth the trouble.

But when reality sets in, John is on my mind, and I realize that I am worth more than they or anyone or even myself ever gave me credit for. John probably gives me more credit than I deserve, but I adore him, and I can't believe that he gave me the time of day, even though he says the same thing about me.


He's amazing. We have almost the EXACT same taste in music. The only real difference is that I listen to rap, and he doesn't. But everything else is parallel. He listens to old country, rock, rock'n'roll, and even Leonard Cohen. He is very competitive, so I anticipate many nights playing board games with him and Nicky. He is going to take us camping and fishing. He doesn't write poetry or stories, do art, he's not a musician, and he's not emo. He watches sports, a first for me. Ever. He knows how to work on cars, and he used to buy houses and fix them for a living, so he knows how to fix everything. He doesn't work on computers (a HUGE plus), in fact, he barely knows anything about computers. He is very family oriented, even though he has never been married or had any children. He loves playing cards. And most of all, he makes me feel that regardless of what I've been through or the fact that I am scarred like the bride of Frankenstein, I am beautiful, inside and out.

I love him.

♥John Micheal Burchett♥